Letters From the Schvice

Since it’s Friday, I figured I’d put something lighthearted together to start readers off with a pleasant weekend. Recently, someone (if it was you please tell me) shared issues of the Doniac Schvice from September 1996 to 2000 in PDF format. I went through the letter sections, which always contained humorous tidbits, and took out some entertaining quotes. I hope you enjoy.

Fall ’96

“Hey Trey,
Who’s your wardrobe person? They must be ultra-fly!

Mack Daddy
San Francisco, CA

Mack:
I take my fashion cues from the guys in the band – Mike’s knickers and Fish’s dress are TOO dope. And those shoes that Page wears…wack man, totally wack.
– Trey”

“Hey guys,
What’s the name of the new Scent of a Mule middle thing? Is it Spanish or Russian? I love it.

Doug Wright
Keene, NH

Dear Doug:

We call it the “Mule Duel,” Doug. It’s Klezmer. Klezmer, Doug, is the Dixieland of the Yiddish.

-Mike”


March ’97

“Dear Phish:
I have a question for you. Do you all ever have fights after being locked in a bus after for a long tour? Cause when were all on tour we want to kill each other sometimes! Just wondering.
Rock Forth! – Willow Breeze

Dear Rock:
We fight in the dressing room every once in a while about musical problems. On the bus it’s pretty rare for us to fight. Occasional there’s a fight about a bet. “I can’t believe you think you won the bet – there’s no way I’m giving you the money. You’re acting like a baby.” Another time, we fought over change. I argued for continuity, and Trey for change. Voices were raised, but in the end, we swapped sides, laughed it off, and faked a handshake [no touching rule].
-Mike”

“Trey-
What’s up with that Geddy Lee? How does he get his voice so high? I wonder if he talks like an ordinary guy.
Sincerely, Dirk N. DeCorners

Dear Dirk:
Just because you quote Pavement, it doesn’t mean Trey will like you. But, as it turns out, he does like you. He asked me to pass along his number to you, as long as you don’t tell anyone else – 909.317.0911.
Ps. I know him, and he does.
– Your Fact Checking Cous”

Summer ’97

“Dear Mike,
From where do you get your inspiration to write the ever-so-loved, “Mike’s Corner?”
Ps. The Phish food is rather tasty.
Adam “Scrothe” Conrath
Reading, PA

Adam:
Walking about, I get an imagine in my mind. Often, it’s a common place, theme, like a man with a pile of business forms. Then I warp the scene while maintaining the original image. Then I also concoct challenges like “I’ve never written in the present tense, so I’ll try that,” or “maybe this one could exploit the semicolon.”
-Mike”

FISH MADE A BET
1. That he wouldn’t be a second late for the bus. $1200 Lost.
2. That 60% of the world’s drinking water comes from Canada. $100 Lost.
3. That Java is the most densely populated island. $65 Lost.
4. That Linda McCartney didn’t only become a photographer because she’s an Eastman and got free film and always was around cool people to photography because her husband was a Beatle. $100 Lost.
5. That he could eat a mound of wasabi the size of a golfball in one bite. $21.50 Won.

Fall ’97

“Dear Phish,
What do you think about the people who call Phish fans neo-hippies or weed smoking freaks who listen to bad music. Later, Becky Sullivan.
Becky:
Musical taste is subjective. For example, I listen to a song on the radio and love it with tears streaming down my cheeks, switch channels and find the same song a minute later and hate it like listening to a pigeon die.
-Mike

[to be continued...]